Let's start with homeopathy.
Homeopathy works on the principle that minute doses of whatever causes a particular illness can be used to cure that illness.
There's some merit to the thinking: minute doses of a poison, over time, will render the consumer immune to that particular poison.
However - the minute doses homeopaths are talking about here are so minute as to be close to incalculable without a degree in molecular chemistry.
The treatments are often so diluted that you'd need a high-power microscope to find the active ingredient - and as any good drug taker will tell you, there's a world of difference between eating a pill and licking the plastic bag it came in.
One will get you high.
The other will make you look desperate.
Homeopathy relies on people turning up with a curable illness, taking a trace quantity of the "cure" for a prescribed period of time, and then getting better - no mention of the fact that the prescribed length of the treatment is usually about as long as it takes for the body to naturally sort itself out without the diseased person doing anything - which is pretty much what they're doing with homeopathy anyway.
But it's not homeopathy that caught my attention this morning as I walked past the waiting room of the rental apartment upstairs from me in Culver City.
Which, by the way, stinks of incense - a substance burnt by alternative healing practitioners in their waiting rooms to disguise the unmistakable stench of false hope and dashed expectations.
No - it was a sign for a "new" kind of healing, something which they now call "shamanic healing!"
I say "they now" because last month it was called "Quantum Theta" Energy Healing (QTEH pronounced; Kew-Tee).
Apparently, last months made up term, co-opted from quantum physics and quantum mechanics was getting worn out on Hyman and his homeopathically hyped ex-wife and "practice manager" Barbara, the main proponent of this gargantuan garbage.
Anyway, apparently, you or I could do a course and become a "shamanic healer" or "Quantum Theta" Healing Practitioner in just three days - and go on to cure all sorts of diseases.
Including, as some of their many free websites claim, fear, anxiety, depression anger and grief (good grief!).
Yep, the Hymans will not only practice on you (for a fee of course) they will teach it to you (for a fee, of course!)
In other words, if they can't commercialize it, it hasen't been invented!
So.
Imagine, if you will, that are depressed.
Who are you going to put your trust in?
A bloke in a lab coat who has spent seven years at medical school and who is drawing on hundreds of years of medical knowledge, or some yahoo wearing socks and sandals who spent three days at a convention center learning how to unblock "shamanic energies" or "negative quantum theta energies" and promote positive thoughts?
The founder of "Quantum Theta Healing" is an individual by the name of James Hyman, whose main devotee his ex-wife, Barbara, claims can cure numerous diseases.
This is a big statement to make - and I would assume that someone with the ability to cure multiple disease would, by now, be world-famous and boast a trophy room whose shelves are groaning under the weight of every scientific prize the world has to offer.
So I googled James Hyman.
I got seven hits (all of which were written by his wife, Barbara on free web sites where anyone can avail themselves of anything, so they don't really count, like here;
http://www.emotionalrelease.com
Then, in the interests of good science, I chose a subject entirely at random, to check to see if Google might be broken.
I googled myself.
377,000 hits.
Rudimentary maths (the kind I particularly like) tells me that I am therefore roughly 53,000 times more famous than a man who can cure numerous psychiatric and psychological diseases.
Brilliant!
I did some more digging on "shamanic healing" and "Quantum Theta" Energy Healing: apparently it involves putting the patient's brain into a quantum or theta-state, (wherever the hell that is).
The practitioner then uses a highly dubious and often-debunked practice of applied kinesiology, where muscle response is tested to determine the patient's problem.
I tried this out on a few people.
I poked and prodded some random strangers, and their muscle response (repeatedly lashing out and trying to hit me) suggests that they have anger issues.
I suggested meditation, they suggested I do something that sounded quite fun, but is biologically impossible. (This by the way was the same suggesting Ms. Hyman made when she was made aware I was now debunking "shamanic healing or what they last month called "quantum theta" energy healing or QTEH (Kew-Tee!)
Moving on:
Once the "shamanic healer" or "Quantum Theta" Energy healer has ascertained the medical issue, the big guns come out - According to the website; "Working with the chakras, the subconscious mind, the energy fields in and around the body, Jim gently and effectively guides you through the release of blocked emotional energy, old patterns and negative emotions, and breaks you through to new levels of your connection with Self and Source and after just one session (ONE SESSION, THIS IS POWERFUL STUFF) you will see your life move forward in the direction that you set forth during your session!"
I would continue on, as Ms. Hyman blithers on for about six more paragraphs but my guess is you get the point... anyway...continuing where Ms. Hyman left off....
"A scientist in the field of transformational bodywork, self-healing energy work, and Chinese Qi Gong, James has......yada ...yada...yada... His work releases blocked energy in the body associated with past trauma and negative patterns, releases the negative pattern from the subconscious mind and the Quantum grid, (there it is again, that pesky "quantum grid," wherever that may be) and activates the cellular memory for perfect health, peace and a profound sense of well-being."
His intense study of metaphysics and shamanism, (yep, this weeks homeopathic specialty, "shamanic healing") combined with his experience as a facilitator of ....except wait, here comes the claim;
qualify him as an expert in several different areas of wellness, and personal and spiritual evolution.
Qualified as an EXPERT!
Qualified by whom?
From what University did he receive his medical degree?
Who has bestowed the title of 'expert' on Mr. Hyman?
A closer look at the numerous free web sites make this extremely clear; Mr. Hyman has NO advanced degree from ANY university or accredited institution!
None,
Nada,
Zero,
Bupkis!
ONLY Mrs. Hyman has 'qualified' Mr. Hyman as an expert!
So glad we got that one cleared up!
(I'm not making these claims up... they are all on the websites. Go search for yourself if you don't believe me.)
It is utter codswallop (minute amounts of which are, reportedly, useful in treating Trimethylaminuria, a/k/a Fish Odor Syndrome).
So what to do when we get sick?
Do we trust modern medicine, or do we travel the more natural route?
The obvious choice is this: don't get sick in the first place.
But if you do, there's something that you might want to remember.
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, then it's probably a quack!
In other words, it's horseshit (in small doses, reportedly useful in treating colic and gambling problems!).
